The Thing I am Still Working on After 9 Years of Marriage

Recently, Doug and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. When I look back at pictures of us then it’s amazing how much we have grown and changed. In our 9 years married we have been through a ton together. Those people who said “I do” on a beach seem a little bit like strangers to me now. They were very young and perhaps a bit naive about how hard building a life with someone can be. They had no idea how many beautiful, painful and difficult moments life had in store for them.

Awhile back I was having dinner with some girlfriends and the question of “do you and your husband fight alot” came up. My friends were all surprised to learn my answer was “yes, all the time and sometimes it gets loud.” I appear to most as a very calm and gentle individual which is true, but I do have a short fuse. I get easily provoked and pushed and my temper can flare up in certain situation. Doug is the same as me. We are both extremly passionate people. Neither of us do anything halfway. We are also both very stubborn perfectionists, always convinced we are right. In many ways this makes us perfect for each other. We would both drive an easy going, non Type A partner crazy. But what happens when two people who are not good at compromise and backing down get together? They fight!

First of all let me say I love my husband more than anything else on the planet besides my daughters. There could never be a man better for me. He is my very best friend, an amazing father, a loving, caring, sensitive soul. And we also fight. And I think that is normal.

When Doug and I fight it often gets loud. We yell and scream. We both grapple to get what we want from they other and it isn’t always polite conversation. Sometimes we even fight in front of our kids which I am not proud of but it happens. No one is perfect.

What I have learned over 9 years of marriage is that in the heat of a fight someone has to just walk away, take a moment and break the tense energy. Nothing ever gets resolved when we are heated. It is best to “break the cycle” and come back together when we can speak more calmly. This is incredibly hard for me. Doug is very good at walking away, taking space to calm down and coming back together later. I am not and I am constantly trying to get better at it. Instead of following Doug into another room to continue our fight I am trying very hard to train myself to take a break, calm down, circle back. In heated moments I literally have to talk to myself and remind myself it is better for us if we take a break. Nothing gets resolved by fighting.

Part of being married is trusting that the person you have promised your life to will always be there. That a five or ten minute cool down break doesn’t mean you will never talk again. This is very hard for me. There is a little voice in my head that worries that when Doug walks into the other room he will never come back. I worry if he leaves the apartment to take a walk he might not return. I am not entirely sure where this insecurity comes from but I am constantly teaching myself that I have to trust. To give space. That taking a pause doesn’t mean we will never speak again. That love means trusting that that person will always be there because they always have been and have never given you a reason to doubt that.

As Doug and I enter our tenth year of marriage I have committed myself to taking breaks and giving Doug and myself space when we need it. We always come together much better when we both have time to cool down. I just need to remember that and focus on it when things get heated. To not prolong the fight.

No one ever said marriage was easy but it truly is beautiful and I am so lucky to have the partner I have. Fights and all.