Silver Linings From Dark Times
Life since mid March has been tough. I have been through quite a bit in my 38 plus years and these past few months have truly tried my resolve. The darkest moments of March and April had me waking up crying most days, in utter shock of the reality around me. How could this be happening to our world? My heart breaks every day for everyone who lost loved ones due to COVID. It is staggering.
Personally, watching all of our plans get cancelled, projects and events I had spent months and months on be indefinitely postponed was painful. Of course my family and my community's safety comes first but when you work on a project for almost a year and then it falls apart it is hard to not be devastated. Outside of my own personal experience it has been so hard to watch all of my friends in the arts lose their jobs with no end in sight. I may not be working in the theater at the moment but that world is my home. I have so, so many friends in that industry who are out of work for the foreseeable future.
As the months have gone on things have gotten progressively better and now, in July, I feel a lot more settled, hopeful, and able to handle this new (hopefully temporary) world we find ourselves in. With a teensy tiny bit of hindsight I have been thinking a lot about silver linings. While this isn't an experience I would have wished for in a million years it has give me some unexpected gifts.
The biggest silver lining for me has been confidence in myself. I always considered myself strong and independent and this truly pushed me to my limits. At first I thought being at home with my two kids, a husband who works full time (in global health no less) and no outside help or support at all would break me. Well, after the initial paralysis and shock wore off I found myself in a routine that somehow worked each day. Yes I could help Hermione with distance learning, play with Portia, clean our apartment, do the endless loads of laundry and still somehow squeeze in exercise and even some blogging each day. Yes, by bedtime I was exhausted and couldn't pry myself off the couch but I managed. It didn't break me.
My newly boosted confidence also manifested itself in a very unexpected way. I became a more confident driver. Growing up in NYC I have had a license since I was 16 but only truly learned to drive when I was 30. Even then I have historically been much more comfortable driving around the rolling hills of upstate New York than the highways and parkways in and out of NYC. With many of our close friends and family choosing to leave NYC either for now or for good, when things started to feel a little more safe and we were ready to see people...there simply weren't many friends close by. I can't pinpoint the moment it happened but I became so desperate for socialization that I decided I would take the girls on several day trips to see friends out of the city while Doug stayed home and worked. First we went to my BFF's house in CT to celebrate her daughter's 6th Birthday. Not only was it our first drive by car parade party but it was my first time driving the girls in and out of NYC alone! After the success of that trip we spent a day visiting another close friend and swimming in her pool. I even got lost on the way home and managed to not cry as I white knuckled the steering wheel. Finally, I did a drive solo with the girls I never thought possible. I drove them all the way out to the Hamptons and back alone to see my father and step-mother. I have always found the drive out there harrowing (hello super fast LIE) as a passenger and never in a million years thought I would do it solo with two kids in the back! With all of these trips under my belt I feel so much more confident and independent. I no longer have to depend on Doug to be available to drive me places. I no longer fear taking the girls on long trips alone.
Being much more confident in myself as a parent has also helped me stop second guessing every decision I make. That truly is a silver lining. Everyone is handling this crisis differently and that is ok. I have realized that what works for me and my family might not work for everyone else. I have truly stopped comparing, stopped judging myself, and started living my life the best I can in a way that feels right to me. The confidence knowing I am doing my best and am capable of so much more than I thought is the greatest silver lining I could have asked for.
