What I've Learned- Reflections on a Pandemic Year
I made a mistake last night. The kind I only make in the silent after midnight stillness of my apartment when everyone else is sleeping. I started scrolling through olds photos of last year. Specifically last March. I wanted to see what I was doing this time last year as the world was quickly changing around me. I couldn't stop. I had to find the photos where we were stocking up on food, fleeing the city (which turned out to be the wrong move for us), where my smile was hiding intense anxiety, fear and depression.
As I looked through all the images of last March I was overcome with so much emotion. The pictures really took me back to a time when everything felt so scary, so unknown, so claustrophobic. As if the world was shutting in on me. Notably though, as I looked at these year old photos the anxiety I once felt was gone. The fear was gone. I can now look back on last spring and the entire past year from a place of hope. As we take steps everyday to come out of this pandemic (New York just announced an end to it's travel quarantine laws) I find myself finally able to reflect on what I have gained this year, what I have learned instead of what I have lost.
At the beginning of the pandemic I found myself falling prey to rumor, hearsay and community panic. If someone said they heard something I took it as the absolute truth. The rumors that NYC would shut it borders and we would be locked in if we didn't get out seemed plausible to me. So we left home in haste. It caused me to feel even more scared and isolated. I believed the general consensus that if I didn't stock up on food my family might not be able to find any. This lead mainly to food waste on our part, something I I truly loathe participating in. Especially as so many people were in need and suffered from food insecurity. The market near us never shut and I was able to get food for my family consistently and safely. I am thankful everyday for that.
Somewhere around mid April I learned to stop listening to rumors and to only focus on the facts. I asked friends to stop forwarding me editorial and Op-Ed pieces. Unless it was cold hard fact I didn't care to read it. I focused on what was happening in that moment, not what might happen in the future. This change of how I consumed information truly helped my mental health and is something I continue to practice a year later.
I am a very active person who thrives on being busy. As all of my plans and events and projects for last spring got cancelled within the span of a few weeks my anxiety increased exponentially. I would wake up in the morning with my heart racing, in a cold sweat. Or I would wake up crying. With nothing on the calendar for the foreseeable future it felt as if my world was getting smaller and smaller. I felt useless, stuck, trapped. Then I discovered a magic trick that never failed to help my state of mind. I call it, "covering distance." If I started to feel anxious or stuck I would put on my sneakers, call a friend or put on a podcast and take a long walk along the Hudson River. Covering physical miles made me feel like I was going somewhere, doing something. Also, being along the Hudson River gave me a sense of space, made me feel much less trapped. This is a trick I still use now. When I feel my heart racing and the anxious thoughts creeping in I go for a walk. It hasn't failed me yet.
I am very lucky to be married to someone who loves to find the fun in life. Doug is someone who, more than me, believes that life is about love and having fun, not always about how hard you work and how much you accomplish. At times this can be hard for me to process as I am more of a work hard, play later kind of person. I have a hard time relaxing and simply enjoying life. As I have mentioned I feel best when I am busy, when I am doing or accomplishing something. This past year Doug has worked incredibly hard to try and find fun moments for our family. At first I resisted him. How dare we have fun? How dare we smile and enjoy ourselves now? Then I let go of control and gave in. I let him plan day trips. I went along with plans to drive until we found an open place to hike. I agreed to drive to Westchester to eat takeout tacos in our car in a rainstorm. When NYC started opening up I went with him and the girls to get drinks in the street, our own little block party. This past year we have found more micro moments of fun than I could have ever expected. We had to look hard and really make them happen for ourselves. I have learned that if you are willing, even in the darkest of times there are laughs, smiles and memories to be had.
As spring begins to descend on NYC once again I feel myself hopeful. Instead of panic there is a general sense of joy in my city. I am seeing more people out on the streets, more kids in the playground. Restaurants are buzzing. While I have no idea what this second year of our strange new reality will hold I am confidant things will only get better from here and that the lessons I have learned along the way will stay with me always.
