Why We Stayed
On the morning of March 14th, 87 days ago, amid rising panic in New York City, Doug and I packed the trunk of our car to the gills and headed to the Hudson Valley. We had heard rumors the city would be completely locked down, borders closed, unlivable. Those rumors coupled with many, many friends also deciding to leave helped us make a rash decision I would later grow to regret.
The 10 days we spent upstate in March were some of the darkest I have ever experienced. And I have been through some heavy stuff in my life. Despite being in a place I normally love I was deeply homesick, depressed and anxious. I woke every morning crying, often unable to pry myself out of bed. Everything felt hard. Everything was confusing. Yes the news was going from bad to worse each day but my internal emotional life felt extreme even for what was going on. I was also acutely aware how others were suffering too and many in far, far worse situations than me which just compounded the dark feelings.
Eventually, after seeing me such a wreck for so many days Doug looked at me and said “why don't we just go home?” At the time the thought felt radical. Almost everyone we know had fled the city for their childhood home, their second home, a rented home. Why would we go back if we had an alternative? Like I do with most big decisions in life when I am deeply unsure, I trusted Doug. In another frenzy of packing up the car we left the Hudson Valley in a snow storm (!) and headed back to our beloved city. As our car pulled onto the West Side Highway I felt my shoulders drop and my breath slow. I was going home. No matter what state my city was in it was still home and that is where I needed to be. I knew it after 9/11 when I desperately wanted to come home to Lower Manhattan from college in Boston. I knew it during Hurricane Sandy. I am a New Yorker through and through and running away in a crisis didn’t feel right.
Now with almost 12 weeks of hindsight I can say with the utmost conviction that we made the right decision for us. My anxiety has been much less intense being here. Despite the city being shut down it still feels familiar and comfortable to me. On a practical level I can get groceries easily along with my daily coffee next door at Jack’s. I can take to girls to ride their scooters in our beloved Hudson River Park. Also, toilet paper? I have never once had a problem finding it! We are all sleeping in our own beds each night, surrounded by the things that make our home a home. Yes the city is very different right now but it is still my city.
When the riots and protests and eventual citywide curfew broke out last week I was once again confronted with the issue of if we should leave or stay. Family not in NYC was worried for our safety. A few more friends left. This time the decision was much easier for me. I wanted to stay even more. At a time when our country is in so much turmoil it is of utmost importance to me to live in a place where my girls encounter all different types of people everyday. The diversity of NYC is one of my most favorite things about it. Being able to watch peaceful protests right outside our window is a lesson in non violent resistance my girls won’t soon forget. Living through a pandemic and what will hopefully be a turning point for racism in this country is a history lesson like no other. My girls ( and I) will come out on the other side of this better, stronger, more loving people. I just know it.
If this experience has taught me anything (and it has taught me many things) it’s to trust my gut. I have always been an individual and rarely followed the crowd. I am strong in my convictions and believe what I believe with every ounce of my being. Yet somehow, back in March, when faced with the fear of the unknown I let rumors and panic guide me. I heard what others were doing and decided to follow suit without really tapping in to what was best for me and my family. In the future I will make sure to always take a moment to sit with myself and figure out what I really need. Not let the decisions of others guide me.
Now, as the city finally enters Phase 1 of reopening I am even happier we stayed. I will never again take my amazing city for granted. Being able to get a drink from a takeout window of a beloved restaurant or seeing friends in the park feels even more special knowing how long we have been waiting for it. I long for the day I can take Hermione on the subway to school again. I will be in the audience the very first ( and second and third) night Broadway comes back. While this crisis has pushed some to leave the city either temporarily or for good I am here. I will be here. This is my home. This is where I will raise my children. I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
